Never Say Never

If there is one thing I should have learned by now it's to NEVER say never! In my "earlier" years, (I'm refusing to use the word "younger" as I am holding tight to that description of myself...especially in lieu of the events this year has bombarded me with...explain later...) I used the phrase loosely about a lot of things. Such as,

~"I will NEVER move farther away than an hour or so from my parents." I can remember my high school English teacher asking our class just days before graduation to raise our hands if we planned to return to our home town to live after graduating college. My hand flew up as if that was the craziest question ever. Pfff! (that's the sound I made when asked that question and the sound I made just now thinking of how far off my plans were to where I'm actually at now.) It's in thinking of things like this that we can appreciate God's sovereignty! If he'd revealed to me that day where I would be today and everything that has happened in between, they'd still be scraping me up off of that classroom floor! -probably as I fearfully and frantically clung to the legs of my desk.

~"My kid will NEVER throw fits like that! That mom needs to get control." Oh my! My sincerest apologies and regrets for ever judging another mother's parenting. Sometimes, for no apparent reason at all (or simply upon hearing the word "no"), these little people go nuts and start convulsing and screaming to make sure everyone around you knows how terrible you are. They have minds and ideas of their own that do not work as rationally as yours -sometimes-does!

~"I will NEVER use candy or sweets as a bribe to make my children behave in public." Mmm hmmm...I don't call it bribery any more, I call it supporting my local dentist and his family. Helping out my "neighbor"; that's IS the Christian thing to do, you know.

~"I will NEVER go out in public without my makeup on and my hair fixed. Not even to the grocery store or post office." Since I now live in a town with more than a few thousand people, I can reassure myself that whoever I see in those places, I will probably never see again and if I do they certainly won't remember seeing me in that state. I also tell myself that if I do see a friend or acquaintance while I'm in that state, it will only make them feel better about themselves, seeing how hideous I look without makeup and knowing that I am a real person too who doesn't have it all together all the time. -or at all! :) Even though I am probably being delusional in thinking that they ever saw me as "together" in the first place!

~"I will NEVER feel old or depressed about a birthday. Because I'll always look young and feel young and energetic and will never have gray hair, stretch marks, wrinkles or any other cosmetic flaw that would make me feel as if I look older." Is the vanity of my youth showing? Yes, and so is my gray hair, crow's feet, frown lines, stretch marks and who's jiggly arms and thighs are these anyway? NOT MINE! Good bye fantasy world, hello my actuality! Again, praise the Lord we don't know what the future holds for us. :)

~(This "never" belongs to Nathan and certainly warrants adding to this list considering our present situation. This is something I didn't actually say never to but accepted due to his persistence on the subject.) "We will NEVER have more than two children! EVER! Can you imagine adding another child to this household?! NO WAY! We'd have to be CRAZY to have three kids!" Well, crazy is as crazy does, as the saying goes. ...or is it 'stupid is as stupid does'? hmmm... And as you know we ARE adding a third child in the early fall. Once again, our "I will never" has turned into "Alrighty then!" Nathan took the news of our surprise new addition much better than I did, shockingly. I'd been fully prepared to administer CPR and talk him down from a worrisome rage when I broke the news to him. Oddly enough, it was I who needed the aid. He reminded me again of God's sovereignty and knowledge of what is best for us. And now, we can hardly wait till our Addison Kate gets here in early November!

My list of 'nevers' could go on and on but I won't do that to you as you're opinion of me has probably already been altered from what it once was. But I have to deliver one last 'never':

~"I will NEVER own a mini-van. Not that they are not great for those families who need them but I just don't like them for myself." Shamefully I say this: I believe I've said to my mother more than once when she suggested a mini van for us "I'm not old enough to drive a Mom Wagon!" I can hear you now, those out there who drive a mini van..."Whhhell! The nerve of her!" I know, I know, I hear ya, and again, my sincerest apologies for such thinking on my part. My mouth has been slapped shut and my vain pride has been squashed. I am now the PROUD owner of a mini van!
And I say 'proud' with all honesty. I absolutely LOVE it. I've had it for three days now and every day I'm coming up with some little errand that we MUST run just so I can drive it. I don't need to tell you how ecstatic my children are about it. They think it's the best thing EVER! And so do I. Taylor told me "This van is WAY cooler than our old car!" Boy, do perspectives change with age. It has a DVD player for them with headphones so when we get in the car and start down the road, there is PEACE! Ahhhh! Silence, except for the occasional little giggle which is a very much welcomed sound. I was reluctant at first, I'll admit, when we started looking at vans. Nathan was sold on them from the start. I knew that I was going to have to get something bigger since our family is growing but a mini van was not it! And even as we test drove, negotiated price, and finally drove out of the parking lot in our new ride, I still had an aching in my heart for my sporty little car. As I drove out of the dealership parking lot in my new van, I looked at my sad, rejected little car sitting there and said with a tear, "goodbye my youth." Oops, did I say that out loud? Apparently I had as Nathan was giving me look something akin to "oh, please!" and Taylor says "Mama, you had youth? Was that like when you were in high school?" "Yes, honey, I guess it was."

So, I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe vanity is something God wants out of me, now. Ya think?! "And THIS my dear, is the year I'm going to beat it out of you if I have to" said God. Just now, I looked up the word 'vanity' in the Encarta Dictionary and the first definition given is "excessive pride, especially in personal appearance". Uhh! That's not ME! Well, not EXCESSIVE!! humph! Welllll......maybe it is me.

This year, first month of this year to be exact, I turned thirty with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It was as if I was killing over in the next day or so, the way I acted about it. And it wasn't that I felt old, it was just having to say that number...no more a youthful, preppy answer of "I'm twenty-whatever!" Was I being vain about my age? Check!

Next came the news in March that I would be having another baby. No more just the four of us, now we are becoming a brood. I don't think I was prideful about only having two children. However, looking at having three did change the image I held of myself, I'll admit. At first when I thought of me taking care of three kids, I saw myself looking run down, messy haired, and baggy eyed, wearing lounge pants and an over-sized dirty t-shirt every day and literally falling apart. Not a pretty picture. I know, I've seen it before in my bathroom mirror on my less than graceful days. Prideful about my image? Check!

And lastly, I now drive a mini van. Something I always thought was fine for older women who had lots of kids and needed it but not for me. Remember, "I'm not OLD enough to drive a van." (Sorry, I just poured salt into that wound, didn't I?) Even on the days when I did look like that run down, frumpy mom, you couldn't tell in my black car with tinted windows! My image was given by the exterior of my car, not what was actually driving the car. Again, more vanity? Check!

Well, I've shared more than I should have about my character flaws and personal thoughts. You probably think I'm a terrible person. And while I have made light of myself being a vain person, it is not something I'm proud of. While all brutally true, it was shared in the hope of amusing you. And making you realize you're a much better person than you thought you were! -kidding! Saying all this 'out loud' has helped me to see how ridiculous I can be about things. I think through writing all this, I'm beginning to gain a new perspective about a few of the things I've been prideful about and I'm okay with letting it go.

There is a song that keeps playing over and over in my mind as I've been writing this. It's an old song typically sung by children. The chorus goes like this: "He's still working on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.!" How true that is and how grateful I am for His love and patience with me!

If you know that song, you're going to be singing it in your head for the rest of the day!!! ~you're welcome! :)